A different blog about anxiety
I am going to write something different today, not about travel or costume but about me.
This year has been hard. I have been lost and having having anxiety attacks.
I have spend so much time alone in the last 7 years, sometimes it has been hard but most of the time it has been amazing! I have loved spending my 20s alone to spend time to discover myself, push my boundaries and have adventures I couldn't have had if I wasn't alone. But enough is enough.
I sadly lost my Grandmother this year at the beginning and I thought why am I not as hurt as my Mother, maybe I was holding in the grief to help my Mother deal with her grief. But all I could think of was how happy my Grandmother must be to be with my Grandfather in heaven as they had the greatest love and happiest marriage I have ever seen. I spend 6 weeks in Australia in the sun having a break from life and that is when it all became clear how lonely I was... I felt disconnected from my family, I had been away for 8 years living in another country and my cousins had grown up and didn't have time for me now that they were teenagers living their own life. I didn't understand as I gave up everything for them when growing up cause I always wanted to be there for them. I today still hold alot of guilt for not being there on my 13th birthday, as I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. They had spend all morning making a game for me to play and made a letter telling me about the surprise, that is when I learnt family first always.
I noticed my friends where few now in Australia as they where all busy with their wonderful lives and coming back to England that I didn't belong to many friendship groups or have anything in common with them. Around the same time work stopped and all the jobs I was going onto kept being delayed, all I wanted was somewhere to belong. This year I have stood still, it has been hard to get out of bed, eat, look for work... I kept looking for something to live for and I couldn't find it. Making this blog was the only thing I had but it wasn't paying my bills so my life felt like I had taken several steps back.
Living in the UK is hard, I don't feel like I fit into this society as I am flamboyant and I am proudly wear my heart on my sleeve as I am one of those artistic types they say. I am proud of that, I have had to go through alot to finally be myself and comfortable with me. But sadly I never feel like I am good enough because all I want in the world is a sense of belonging like in the TV Shows they are such great friends, but no matter where I am in the world I find a real sense of being a Gypsy with no place I belong. I live in the UK but I am too Australian, I have family in France and I feel like it is my home, but I barely know my family as I spend most of my life in Australia and my French isn't perfect as well as my family mostly speaking Alsacien. Then in Australia I have been in the UK too long when I speak to my family and friends they have moved on with there own lives. It just makes me feel so lonely; as I feel so lonely as I now believe all I have is my Mother because I have lost my 2 of my 3 rocks in my life.
The grief has been over whelming knowing I not only lost my Grandmother this year, I am reliving the lost of my Grandfather who was my father figure all my life. Then I had panic attacks leading up to the first family holiday we have had in 7 years. I sadly do not get on with the other members of my close family; where there are multiple problem from the mental abusive I have dealt with all my life, where I was constantly told I was never good never and I was a failure from these 2 men. Sadly my trip with them was horrible and I was told many horrible things so that small bit of sunshine I was starting to see as my heart was healing was crushed to pieces. Coming back from that holiday I couldn't even eat. I had spend so long cutting him out of my life, he wouldn't leave me alone now and it was 1000 cuts to my mental health.
I needed to find something to live for to be honest and that scared the shit out of me. I was thinking things that I hadn't thought for over 10 years. The yoga, exercise, meditation, trying to get out of the house wasn't working at all. All I wanted was work and someone to talk to. Then for the first time in 15 years I decided to do it! I contacted the NHS for counselling as I couldn't afford to pay for a counselor. I hadn't done this sooner as when I was 13, he sat in the counselors room with me telling her what a bitch I was and she agreed with everything he said. It was a huge distress to me for years as I had lost trust in someone who I should be able to trust.. I had always reached out to friends but I could tell they were sick of my shit that I just stopped talking to them about anything about myself. I kept closing myself off and off that I just stopped talking. After the first phone call I felt a release and I need my life was getting on a track and things would be ok.
Work started to come and I was meeting kind people and I was happy. I had meaning in my life again. But was the stress and exhaustion kicked in all my issues came up and it has been soul destroying. It was affecting my work and my relationships, nothing was working to calm down; I couldn't get to yoga due to long hours and I punched a wall because I didn't know how to deal with the loss of control. Now I have finished this hard long job, I am suffering... I am exhausted and burnt out. This fucking shit in my head needs to be aired out, as I am done with it. I want to be at peace of mind and I want to be calm. I want to be good to myself and good things will come into my life as I see that something special could happen soon.
Even now I believe I made great new friends, but they saw me at a low point in my life that I keep thinking I doubt I'll ever hear from them again. I never want to think this again.
I am excited to be slowly but dealing with my issues soon, I feel a new chapter coming really soon and I notice I am a self sabotaging it myself by obsessing about stupid things and losing my balance.
I never want to have an anxiety attack again where I can't eat, get out of bed and need to sleep all day. I never want to say the words I heard said to me that now is a curse.. "It is my lot in life to be surrounded by men that will never love me" which sadly a loved one of mine believes.
I am done.. do you hear me. This is my exorcism of the shit that cloud my thoughts and my heart. I want to get shit done in my life and this is not the life I want to live. All I want is a life of adventure, family, freedom, beauty and love. The things I have always dreamed off and most importantly I am calm in all these dreams.
I am proud that I have written this blog as this morning I woke up numb and couldn't get out of bed. I am now sitting up in bed and I am smiling and I feel strong. So here is to all the life changes I am about to make and the sunshine that is finally coming through my window after a cloudy morning and taking back control.
With all my love to you and myself xx.